Psychic Departure Bunny Lounge

Five Years

(David Bowie)

Pushing through the market square, so many mothers sighing
News had just come over, we had five years left to cry in
News guy wept and told us, earth was really dying
Cried so much his face was wet, then I knew he was not lying
I heard telephones, opera house, favorite melodies
I saw boys, toys electric irons and TVs
My brain hurt like a warehouse, it had no room to spare
I had to cram so many things to store everything in there
And all the fat skinny people and all the tall short people
And all the nobody people and all the somebody people
I never thought I'd need so many people

A girl my age went off her head, hit some tiny children
If the black hadn't a-pulled her off, I think she would have killed them
A soldier with a broken arm fixed his stare to the wheels of a Cadillac
A cop knelt and kissed the feet of a priest and a queer threw up at the
sight of that
I think I saw you in an ice cream parlor drinking milk shakes cold and long
Smiling and waving and looking so fine don't think you knew you were in
this song
And it was cold and it rained so I felt like an actor
And I thought of Ma and I wanted to get back there
Your face, your race, the way that you talk
I kiss you, you're beautiful, I want you to walk

We've got five years...Stuck on my eyes
We've got five years...What a surprise
We've got five years...My brain hurts a lot
We've got five years...That's all we've got

I was in this office when I heard. The layout has changed, the desk is smaller, the chair is different, the director is new, the building is emptier, my hair is shorter and has seen many colors, all my clothes have been purchased since... In other words, much has changed.

Is it so terrible of me to treat today as any other? To just go about my regular day? Must I be bombarded by report after report, designed specifically to wring the heartstrings? I'd missed most of the gearing up because I have been working hard to make sure our event would go smoothly last night. It was a complete success and ppppttttthhhhhppppttt to you and you, E and E. Special Events can kiss my ass.

This morning, I watched the news a bit and then turned it off when tears threatened to ruin the makeup application. But I am displeased. It feels like I'm being manipulated.

Believe me, I understand that the attacks are a big deal. I know. I was here, not at ground zero like some, but not far away at all. The Pentagon smoke billowed towards us, less than a mile away. I stood on the national mall and marveled at the beautiful blue skies and crisp fall day much like today. I wondered if I was standing near another target, if I would hear the whine of airplane engines coming closer. I remember feeling like I was splintered, at once saddened for the huge loss of life, worried that I might not be safe, and yet strangely excited and full of adrenaline because I was witnessing something that had never happened before. I felt as if my eyes were huge, like those little sad kid paintings. Huge, because I wanted to take everything in, didn't want to miss anything.

Obviously, that day I didn't hear turbines whine, but I did hear police sirens and people talking and news reports and fighter jets. Happily, I still hear those things, although this includes the fighter jets, which just last week came roaring over our house at night, making me worry just a skosh. I have flown to Hawaii and to Iceland without more than a twinge (after all, I have been on airplanes a lot). I have gotten married and purchased a house with my sweetie. I have celebrated the birth of my sister's first child and she is adorable. I have learned new skills. I have purchased new items to replace the old. I can't forget, but I have moved on.

So it bothers me that others seem so melodramatic when speaking/writing about September 11. Like they just can't let go. But I remind myself that people have lost friends, family, integral parts of their lives. They have witnessed horrible sights. They have feared for their own safety. They have not been able to move on, which is natural. I wish them all the best. I have read some sites today that make me sad and then just moved on without finishing. The hurt is there, but I don't need to poke at it like a bruise.

I don't want to relive that day, sorry.

( 08:41 FH | 9-11. )
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